


Mirror Image

by Coriander_Dreams



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Campaign 2 Episode 71, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Nonbinary Character, F/F, I project hard so I made a rough outline for you to project on too, I'm super sleep deprived and impulse-posting let's do this, Marrion is basically a therapist, Other, beau has a praise kink and some attachment issues, not particularly explicit sex?, on a related note: ambiguous genitals/body configuration, pun intended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 03:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19880929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coriander_Dreams/pseuds/Coriander_Dreams
Summary: I basically put the summary in the tags and no real useful tags in the tags :P I just watched Beau's long convo w/ Dairon at the beginning of episode 71 and I had some Feelings, and then this happened and it's almost entirely Beau introspection and not at ALL me relating too hard to a character bc of their shitty relationship w/ the family that raised them, not remotely.





	Mirror Image

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments are appreciated. I haven't edited this at all and have had the longest day and badly need sleep BUT I wanted to get it out there before I lose focus and it wastes away in a folder on my desktop. I'll likely come back to do some edits in the next few days.   
> Love to all the other Beau/Dairon fics and their authors. I've read all of them and dug every single one :P   
> Hit me up on tumblr if you're interested at newbieculinarians
> 
> OH AND important note I use both they and she interchangeably for Dairon on purpose, bc Matt said they use both and as a nonbinary guy who is comfy with multiple sets of pronouns I really dig that! Just wanted to be clear that it is not a typo.

Beau and Dairon are more similar each time they meet, it seems to Beau. Each time she sees more of herself in the older elf's face, their impatience and frustrations, their dedication. They sit in the kitchen for hours, notebooks out, knees touching, comparing observations. The mirror images of each other.

And Dairon's what? Over 200 years old? Not so old for an elf, to be sure, just barely scraping up against the bottom edge of middle-age. Meanwhile here's Beau, a eighth of her age and also, compared to how long their respective lives will be, not at all. What a mindfuck. Will she be Dairon when she grows up? Can she be Dairon when she grows up, when Dairon will outlive her by centuries?

Anyway, when Dairon's proud of her--which happens more than she lets on, to be sure--Beau feels a flush of warmth flare up the base of her spine, making her ungainly and awkward with her words (what else is new?). She knows, knew almost right away, that she cares about Dairon. Knew it having only met them once, before seeking them out again at the library in Zadash what feels like a lifetime ago. Knew it before asking after them in Bladegarden, knew it long before impulsively pulling her into a hug in Asarius. She wants to impress Dairon. Wants to live up to the promise Dairon sees in her. Wants to make her proud.

"The way you could never make your parents proud?" an _obnoxious_ voice whispers in the back of her head and, okay, she should specify since Fjord has his Uk'otoa and Jester has the Traveler and Yasha has the Stormlord and Caduceus has the Wildmother all whispering in various corners of their brains that she doesn't mean that _literally_ , okay? Gods don't talk to her, and even if they did she doubts they'd care about her family drama. But yes, there's a small part of her that wants to be taken care of, wants to be adored, wants to be a source of pride to her mentor. She's embarrassed by that part. Embarrassed to be so envious of a childhood she never had, when now, even though she has the Nein for family, she wants to be...an adult. Her own woman, maybe. Not a defiant teen or scolded child.

But also embarrassed, maybe a little, by the way her cheeks flush when Jester's eyes widen when Beau says Dairon can sleep in her bed. She repeats herself, emphasizing " _when I'm not here_ ", a hand-waving, a 'nothing to see here' blush that has her mentally formulating technically-truthful but non-incriminating answers just in case Jester casts zone of truth to talk about crushes again. But a lot has happened since the last time Jester did that. The world has started to end, maybe, so she's not terribly surprised when Jester lets it go, for the moment at least, in favor of the far more serious and pressing business they need to attend to.

She knows, though. And Jester probably knows, with how surprisingly intuitive she is, and if Beau hopes and prays and begs the Knowing Mistress sufficiently maybe Dairon _doesn't_ know that when Beau dreams about the elven woman she fucked in the Landlocked Lady, after Molly died, sometimes her features morph into Dairon's. Maybe they _don't_ know that, in addition to dreaming of sex like a normal person, like she usually does, she also dreams of curling up into her mentor's side, of Dairon telling her what a _good girl_ she is, of Dairon running their fingers through the fuzz growing on the sides of her scalp.

But Dairon taught her how to watch people, how to see.

So Beau knows that Dairon not-knowing is pretty much a pipe dream.

While they're in Nicodranas, before going to bed for the night, Beau seeks out Jester's mama. She feels a little guilty about it, not wanting to steal time from Jester, but Jester is holding court telling some story or another to the other Lavish Chateau staff she no doubt has already told Marion, so Beau doesn't feel too guilty.

"Marion?" she says, knocking on the frame of her open door.

"Ah, Beauregard." Marion turns from her dressing table, "What brings you here, my dear?"

"I, I was wondering if you could shave the sides of my head." She starts to launch into a rambling explanation of why she thinks Marion is the best person to help her in this task and how she really doesn't want to impose, of course, but Marion cuts her off with a low chuckle and a graceful wave of her hand.

"Of course." She gestures for Beau to sit in front of her vanity as she stands up to stand behind her, placing her hands on Beau's shoulders. "I always did Jester's hair when she was young. As she got older she got more and more insistent on doing it herself. I must admit I miss it."

"Are you lonely, without her here?" Marion re-gathers Beau's ponytail, pinning it high on the top of her head.

"Oh I miss her fiercely, of course. But...I am not so lonely with her gone, I think, as she maybe was when she was here. And besides, that is a mother's role, is it not? To send her child out into the world and miss her fiercely?"

"I don't know" Beau bends her head at an angle, slightly, to accommodate the straight razor Marion begins to brush down the side of her scalp. "I don't think my mother misses me so much. In fact I think, or...well, I _know_ she's glad I'm gone from home." At this Marion gives a low hum.

"I am sorry, Beauregard. I could tell you she is a fool, but that doesn't much ease your pain, does it?"

"No, I....I don't know. I don't miss her, not really. I didn't enjoy being around her most of the time. But I also...I mean, there were moments when we felt close. When she was my mom."

"It is hard, isn't it, to mourn someone without knowing if you'd want to see them again. I feel that about Jester's father--a different situation, to be sure. We were in love, I thought, but the longer he was gone...it's not just that I didn't expect him to come back but honestly I don't think I've wanted him to return in a long time." Marion chooses her words carefully as she responds. "Jester...I think she's so caught up in the romance, and in wanting to believe good things of her father, that....her idea of our relationship is one that ignores time. He has been gone for twenty years. I am not the same person now I was then, and besides, once he was gone long enough, what would him coming back have done except disrupt my life here, with Jester? I liked my life as it was. And I like my life as it is."

Beau fights her instinct to nod in return, not wanting to disrupt the deft pattern of the blade against her skin as Marion holds her head steady. She had figured as much when they had discussed the Gentleman.

"Yeah," she says roughly, "yeah I get that."

"It is hard to find a balance, but you can have your fond memories without...needing to bring your mother back into your life. You don't owe her, Beau. And when you need a mother's advice," she finishes shaving and wipes the fine hairs off the back of Beau's neck with a smile, squeezing her shoulders gently "You can always come find me. I know you are family to Jester, and that makes you family to me, okay?"

"Okay." Beau meets her eyes in the mirror.

"Is that why you asked me to help you, because you needed a mother's advice?" Marion asks ruefully, moving with her usual grace to sit on the sofa in the corner of her room. Beau spins around to sit backward in her chair to face her, nodding.

"Yeah. I didn't...in my family we didn't... _talk_ about relationships much. Or, you know, at all. But Jester...I know you and Jester talked about that sort of thing and I, there's this....person, this elf, who is supposed to be my mentor...."

"Go on," Marion encourages.

"And she's a really good mentor. A really good teacher. And she cares about me. It'd be one thing if I just wanted to have sex with her, I...I know how go about that but I...I lo-, I _like_ that she cares about me. I, I want her to care about me."

"Okay."

"And, I mean, the first girl I was with...she taught me things too. Not, not just sex things, but that, that didn't feel like this..."

"Are you scared, Beau?" Marion interrupts her.

"Yes."

"Are you scared because she cares about you, or because you care about her?"

"I...I don't know. It's like with Yash--" she chokes for a second but schools her face. "With Yasha. I was interested in her when we met but the more, the more I knew her and cared about her the less I wanted to get with her. Because I can lose a fuckbuddy. I usually do, on purpose. And that's fine. But to lose, to lose someone I'm close with..."

"It means more. Of course. And I can't imagine what you feel, with what happened with Yasha. But why do you think you will lose this woman?"

_Because that's what people do_ , whispered the voice that was not a God, _they leave, or die, or betray_. Beau just shrugged.

"It sounds like they can take care of themself, with all they've taught you."

"They can, but I don't know if they _will_. They told me they were on a suicide mission."

"Are they?"

"Not necessarily, I don't think. I hope not."

"And do you think they like you back?" There was a sparkle in Marion's eyes, and hint in her tone so like Jester when wheedling someone about a romance or a crush that Beau almost laughed. "I don't know. I haven't...I haven't really thought about it."

"Well, here is what I think: Whether or not you and your elf get together you obviously care about her and, I mean we've never met, but from what you've said I imagine they care about you. So if you do lose her, it will hurt regardless. Like what happened with Yasha clearly hurt you, and Jester, and everyone deeply even though I assume none of you were sexually intimate with her. Sex can be fun, which you know, but I sometimes think every client I see wants me for a different reason. And for most that involves sex, and for some it doesn't, and there are all kinds of reasons to have sex and all kinds of things you can get out of it. But the one thing that is inevitable, I've found, is closeness. Physical closeness, emotional closeness, spiritual closeness, intellectual closeness...all can be involved in sex, and that can be very complicated but at the same time maybe it makes the question you need to ask yourself much simpler. You want to have sex with her but you're not sure you should: So, do you want to be closer to her?"

"I...I'll think about it." Beau was starting to get restless, starting to pull away from the conversation, which Marion must have noticed because she just smiled and stood up from the couch.

"All right. You can come talk to me anytime, you know. You are always welcome here. And now that Caleb's figured out that teleportation spell and Nott's family is here too hopefully I will see you all more often."

"Yeah," Beau averts her gaze a little as she stands, unsure of herself again.

"Do you want a hug?" There's no way Beau's gonna answer that, not out loud, but obviously yeah she does. She gives a quick nod and gives Marion a tight hug.

"Thank you."

"Of course, child"

The next day as they're leaving the Xhorhouse Beau doesn't talk to Dairon. Or, she does, obviously, but she doesn't _talk_ with them, you know. She isn't ready yet. She doesn't have an answer to Marion's question, for one, and for two she isn't sure Marion's question is the only one that matters. Or the most important one.

When they finally return, battle-weary and victorious and ash-covered and with one shiny new sword that's also like, extremely old, maybe the oldest sword in the universe, Dairon is still there, in their house. It isn't like coming home to Yeza and his anxious housekeeping in the slightest, except in the tendrils of relief that line Dairon's face when their eyes meet Beau's, and the understated warmth of their welcome. It's Dairon who pulls them into a fierce hug this time, relieved by their safety.

"Hey," Beau greets.

"Hey." Dairon returns, unhurried.

"Got a lot to tell you about. Do you wanna maybe...."

"Talk in the hot tub?"

"Yep. Talk in the hot tub." Beau nods vigorously. She thinks she might have her answers, now. 

"I've got to be honest Beau," Dairon begins, leading their way, "You really could use a bath." Beau can't see their mouth because she's walking behind them, but she swears she hears a smile in there that she brightly returns.

They sit in the gentle steam of the room without entering the tub itself for hours, trading notes again. Beau feels like time is barely passing or maybe passing far too fast (and with all the dunamancy shit she's been thrown into, she would know). Feels the thrill of chasing secrets, of figuring things out, of...discovery though their conversation. It leaves her feeling delighted, maybe a little giddy even, and she thinks about what Marion said, about closeness, and when they are finally all the way through both their notes. When everything is cross-referenced and they've got new leads to chase down, new threads to pull, Beau sets down her journal with a declaratory thump, stretching out her shoulders and neck. She's sure, now, of how the dynamic between them has changed from when they first met. She started to feel it last time they did this too. Dairon still has the many years on her she will always have, and still has higher training with the Soul. But Beau has increasingly more information and experiences to relay to Dairon. It's not a one-way street between them any more, and she thinks again how each time they do this she feels more...similar, to Dairon, and at the same time more fascinated by the ways they are distinct.

"Do you want to actually come in the tub this time?" She asks, keeping her tone conspicuously light.

"Why not?" Dairon nods, dropping their drow form and standing to undress. Beau turns her back to them, feeling hesitant, as though it would make any difference given that they're about to get in the water together.

They soak in companionable silence for a few moments, sitting just a few feet apart despite the wealth of space available to them before Beau says quickly, almost blurting.

"So I care about you."

"And I care about you." Dairon smiles fondly, and looks up at the ceiling, legs crossed, tone patient, with a clear lilt of _where is this going?_

"Um, and, I was...." _this usually isn't this hard,_ Beau thinks, "I was kind of wanting...if it's okay with you, I mean, if you're interested, if not we can just pretend I never asked and everything will be fine but I was kind of wanting to be....closer. With you."

"Oh," Dairon raises an eyebrow and smirks, ever-so-slightly, as they uncross their legs, taking up more space on the bench and...bringing them closer to Beau. "Closer how?"

It's an invitation, not a clarification, and they both know it. Beau lets out a shaky breath, both relieved and more scared than ever. She brings her hand up to Dairon's face, cupping her cheek as she leans in for a kiss. "Like this?"

Dairon's mouth opens warm and sweet beneath hers and when they break apart Beau feels as much as she hears their shaky breath. It's good to know she isn't the only one affected by this. "I see", she murmurs in response. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Beauregard" their voice breaks a little, and Beau bites her own bottom lip in response, as Dairon rests their forehead against Beau's "You are a marvel. I have never met someone both so alike myself and so...inexplicably _different_. You confound me. You frustrate me, sometimes. And you astonish me. Yes, I am sure I want to do this with you. But I don't know...for all I've seen in my time, I don't know what will happen, or what this will mean. Are you...are you prepared for that?" Beau laughs, rich, warm sound.

"I'm reassured. I don't know either."

"Then we will figure it out, together. I...I don't do this very often, any more."

"Oh?"

"Your...knowledge may be more up-to-date than mine" they admit, ruefully.

"Dairon," Beau moves to straddle their lap with a smile, pulling them into another deep kiss with a gentle smile. "This is sex. I don't think it'll have changed much since whenever it was you last did it."

"You never know" there's a hint of snark in Dairon's tone as they press open-mouthed kisses to the edge of Beau's neck, making her arch into the touch. "You like that?"

"Yeah" Beau responds with a sigh.

"Mmm good. You're such a good girl." Beau nearly keens with want, almost falls over as her legs go wobbly beneath her and is caught as much by the buoyancy of the water as anything else and Dairon just grins, obviously pleased with herself.

"Out of practice my ass" Beau mutters, nipping against Dairon's clavicle as she spreads her hands over their hips begins maneuvering her fingers towards their ready sex.

"Maybe you're just easy to read." Dairon says, interrupted by a gasp as Beau reaches her target. "That feels so good Beau," she continues. "You're doing so good. Just like that, yeah, you're perfect, you make me feel so good..." And Beau whines softly as she continues to touch Dairon, as she learns what makes them feel good, and by the time Dairon is too far gone to keep murmuring in her ear Beau is so worked up Dairon barely has to touch her in return before they're falling together.

That night, Dairon sleeps in Beau's bed, with Beau curled into her arms. And in the morning when Jester grins at her and waggles her eyebrows and teases her in front of everyone, Beau can't bring herself to mind.

It wouldn't take zone of truth for her to tell you that it's worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Gotta be real w/ you all this might be partially driven by recent flashbacks to my very early crushes which were basically just wanting various people to take care of me. Like, nonsexually. But kind of sexually? Anyway thanks for hanging out and reading through this I'm gonna sleep now I hope.


End file.
